You’re a red-blooded male with a lot of ink in your cartridge. Now’s not the time to be attracting those with the moral outlook of a Catholic nun.  No, you need to show them you’re getting to 2^nd base whenever the foot pump gets deployed.

Wear this Plastic Girlfriend t-shirt and bathe in the light of righteous fervour. Let those who gaze with envy upon you know that your sex life is only constrained by the occasional puncture, and supported by orifices that are guaranteed machine washable.

Give it a day or two and you’ll be fighting them off with a shitty stick. Friends will write songs in your honour, while acolytes will travel long and far to learn your secret. Now is your time – go fill it!