The big man knows when you’ve been bad or good. His elves are everywhere. Listening, watching, judging. That naughty or nice list doesn’t write itself. And this jolly fella is getting increasingly fucked off at the number of people acting like dicks (his words, not ours)

So help Santa out. He’s not asking for much. Just a festive season without moaning, bitching, people driving like bell-ends, and basically any act of selfishness and parsimony.

Or as Santa himself is heard to cry to any elf in earshot: “don’t be a cu*t!” A slogan he co-developed with the North Pole Marketing Department, and now available on the awesome Santa Says t-shirt. The gift that keeps on giving…